How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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