hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
