saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
