i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You are a genius and a whore.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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