pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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