I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize