Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
