Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
