how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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