i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize