we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
