I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
