Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
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I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
