yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
