i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
