just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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