a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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