if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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