new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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