i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
