woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
