I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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