he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
