he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
