Please, let me fuck your mom
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
