Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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