i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
