Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
