it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize