I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize