I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
