She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
