I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
