No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
