I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
