if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
