Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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