Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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