I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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