I wanna passion pit in your ass
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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