when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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