going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
