Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
