Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
