Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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