You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
