i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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