I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
