Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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