where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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