Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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