The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
