Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
