Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
