if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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