we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
