So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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