watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
