i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
