I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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