Four minutes until I can fart!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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